Oxymorons & Hangovers

Overheard #21

"Go find a non-garlic foster home."

(I believe this had to do with Russian vampire babies. I'm unsure.)

Overheard #20 & then some

I'm in the middle of one of those pounding headaches, except mine are always right behind my eyes so when my heartbeat is in tempo with the throbbing pain, I think my eyeballs are going to burst from my skull.

It's warm in my house and there's a slight breeze coming in from the backyard, over the mess of Kiddo's fingerpaints from her art project yesterday, over my bare shoulders and on into the rest of the still house. I'm happy here.

The Overheard part: I was stifling a serious burst of laughter today at work when an executive on the other side of my cubicle had the following conversation: "So call Bob. Call Bob. Call Bob. No, you call Bob. Because he's your friggin' client. Call Bob. You call Bob. Call Bob. Call Bob. I'm hanging up now so you can call Bob, call Bob."

*click*

FUCK!"

I wanted so badly to tell him later, "Bob called for you, said you were lookin' for him?"

I willingly endured a chick flick the other night in a rum stupor. The Holiday was pretty good, especially when I'm all warm and dopey on the inside. There's this part when Jude Law almost perfectly summarizes the dual life of a single parent, up against this sexy bookcase. I haven't a friggin' clue what he said now, but we shared a moment for a minute there. He also uses 'inordinately pissed' as a euphemism for drunk, and that sent my thumbs clicking on Twitter.

Get Twitterpated.

Kiddo had crazy hair day at school yesterday and with my mad skillz, nabbed third place in the contest. I have no photo evidence.

Offspring sans masticles, 2008

Remember that one time I said I liked the chihuahua roommate I inherited? I was just kidding. He dragged all my edamame shells out of the trash last night while I was engrossed in an episode of Taboo. It was about pet lovers who take their adoration to a morbid extent. Like taxidemy Golden Retrievers and wall mounted Italian Greyhounds. My anger at Rylie and my fascination with the people who stuff their dogs... it all came together and I developed a master plan. (PS. In my book, most pet owners are overboard these days. If you accessorize a dog, you've gone too far. Unless it is for entertainment purposes that benefit myself and others, then, k.

I have to be productive now and also slather a vat of lotion on my itchy forearms.

-Pretty Lush

PS. I kicked ASS at work today. It was the boost I needed.

Overheard #19

"Oh, I'll stick something in my corn cob, but it won't be that."

Overheard #18

"I am not showing cleavage."

"Of course that depends which end you're talking about."

"...I'm not showing butt crack either."

Overheard #17 & New Deskmates

Overheard: "It wasn't ever a problem until suddenly... it was a problem."

Ah, the instant manifestation of problems when you least expect them.

Do you like my glittery star bangles? Beause really? They're the only good thing about today. I could be superficial and say my hair has cooperated, thus far. But today is not a day that I particularly care about my hair, so it's spun up inside a half broken plastic clip. That switchboard background is there because I'm pretending to be the receptionist. I hate sitting at the front desk, where everything echoes and the swivel chair rolls too easy on the marble floor. I'm steering with the desk edges, trying to keep my ass in line with my upper body. If I don't pay attention for a split second, it's rolling away from me. I could make a game of this, but it goes without saying that I'm not in the mood.

There are shrimp at this desk. Just as I typed that sentence, their previous owner walked through the door and I was able to interrogate her about the shrimp. I'll elaborate: it's a small glass dome, completely sealed up with teeny, tiny red-orange shrimp swimming around inside. The environment produces algae and they eat it, thus sustaining themselves without any outside interference. I guess they've been around for years and years (previous-previous owner has since died) and when I first starting covering this desk, I thought it was the most absurd thing. They're too small to even watch for longer than a second. You can't tell what they're doing. No shrimp boinking or shrimp charades to watch. They're not up to any shrimpy shenanigans. I guess they reproduced over the years, but I imagine eventually they'll all be same gendered? Do they eat their dead ancestor bodies? Are they sexing their relatives? (COUSIN FUCKERS!) Now I'm totally fascinated with the shrimp, or else just inhumanely bored at work. I'll call them Edward and Merle.

Overheard #16 & a Conversation with Me Ma

OVERHEARD

"No, you can do damage if you spank their butt. Spank their thigh. It hurts more but does no damage."

I think I'm appalled.

CONVERSATION

Me Ma called my desk to see if I wanted to grab a drink after work.

Me: No, I gotta get Kiddo and do some wankery, wah, wah, waaah... (No one has any idea what days I have Kiddo and what days her dad has her. Eventually someone will catch on to the routine that has been the same for several months.)
Ma: Weeeell I'm gonna have one drink and then I'll see you later.
Me: Riiight. That's what you said last night.
Ma: And I only had one drink last night! Well, two.
Me: I wasn't the one screaming and cussing that you were out drinking again. That was Dad. (Not even a little bit true.)
Ma: I got on him about not being home when I got home last night. He was punishing me for being out with the girls. Even though he said he wasn't. (He totally was.)
Me: You fought about not fighting?
Ma: Yeah. I guess. But it wasn't a big deal.
Me: Like a a papercut fight.
Ma: No. Those are the BAD ones.
Me: I mean in size. Not severity.
Ma: Oh. Well then, yeah. I'll see you later.

Overheard #15 (Outsource)

My mom e-mailed me with this gem, overheard in her office:

“Ewwww, there might be bits of baby womb on that!”

Overheard #14

Over the weekend:

"I can sexually harass anyone I want. It's Sunday."

Overheard #13

"How is she always so happy?"
"She's not. It's a Communist thing."

Overheard #12

The one side I heard of a phone conversation:

"You got another one that doesn't speak English?... Where are you meeting these women?... What's her nationality?... Is it just a coincidence that they're ALL Chinese?... That last one was Korean?!... Well I didn't know they had a bar at the League of Nations."