Technically, I’m not posting twice in one day. Because my goddamned re-write of the last post, since the original was Bermuda Triangulated doesn’t count for shit since I was so pissed when I wrote it. Again.
I was thinking about why I blog after commenting on a post I read that gaveexcuses suggestions on why people do it. (It is a networking crime that I cannot recall the post to link.) For me, there are several reasons, none digressing too far from any other writer with any frequency. Above keeping friends and family in my foul-mouthed loop, and even more than meeting new like-minded people, and far superior to gaining any notoriety (believe that or not) is that I can’t imagine not doing it.
I’m sure I’ve mentioned before that I played heartbreakee for the first time back in 2001ish. I did it up with all the bells and whistles. I really let it take over me completely and much as I look back and cringe at the melodrama, I’m glad for it. Allowing something to cut me that deep and uproot me so completely, made me retreat into myself and back out again only online, as I still needed some interaction, just please don’t look at me while we do this. I talked endlessly with my friend Katy Jovin, introduced through another online friend, Matt. Katy once offered, very simply, that a good place for really venting to an unbiased audience (because we all want to be heard) was a personal diary website she used. I jumped to the site that she recommended and started writing. I have not stopped since. This May will mark eight years that I’ve been posting regularly. (Unfortunately I don’t have eight years worth of writing, since deleting my first diary, and losing some posts in a hacking that affected the entire site.) I’ve met some of the most amazing people on that website. They know the things about me that no one else knows and see the things that no one else sees. They know the dark underbelly and they support and they’re the best goddamned people that ever happened to me, and writing in front of them is the best thing I ever did.
I still use that site almost every single day. The only reason I ever decided to follow the blog trend as well was because I’m passionate to write. I love to do it and I get urges to completely immerse myself in it. I could never make a living out of it – my creativity is very limited in story telling. But I still want to do it, all the time, every day. It’s like my daughter’s explanation on why she touches herself (whoooole ‘notha post), “It feels good. So I do it.” I simply went public, censored the personal bits (I never use my daughter’s name, although it isn’t difficult to find out, and I discuss my relationships at the bare minimum), and hoped for the best. I don’t need an off the chart stats reader or hundreds of comments or praise or popularity – I just want to fucking write. And I want to reach a couple other kids who want to write and I want to get the occasional criticism or compliment. I want to wring the fodder from everything I do and expel it however I can. It’s therapeutic and cathartic and one thousand things someone else has already said. I took on this outlet to find another side of me, the side that might show if I kept some things to myself, but pulled the cover off of other things. Looking back at my beginning posts, I cringe. I see where I said things I didn’t mean or outright lied because of the truth I was afraid to show. As I flip through the last few months worth of posts, there is very little of that. There’s exaggeration and sugar coating and defense mechanisms like sarcasm and denial, but this is about as honest as it gets with me and I appreciate the hell out of being able to put it somewhere. I can’t finish a story to save my life, but I could ramble on about the mundane events of the last twenty-fours with excitement. I don’t care who sees it or who likes it, as long as no one takes it away.
I wax poetic about my personal diary site and the wonders of writing because it’s all I have. It’s the only thing I’ve ever been remotely good at and the only thing I ever stuck with. Dear lord, if you know me and the amount of things I have started and never finished. If my means to write were taken from me, I’d make new ones. If the new ones failed, I’d find a way because I lack many things, but never the determination to get the words out.
-Pretty Lush
RIP, Katy.
I was thinking about why I blog after commenting on a post I read that gave
I’m sure I’ve mentioned before that I played heartbreakee for the first time back in 2001ish. I did it up with all the bells and whistles. I really let it take over me completely and much as I look back and cringe at the melodrama, I’m glad for it. Allowing something to cut me that deep and uproot me so completely, made me retreat into myself and back out again only online, as I still needed some interaction, just please don’t look at me while we do this. I talked endlessly with my friend Katy Jovin, introduced through another online friend, Matt. Katy once offered, very simply, that a good place for really venting to an unbiased audience (because we all want to be heard) was a personal diary website she used. I jumped to the site that she recommended and started writing. I have not stopped since. This May will mark eight years that I’ve been posting regularly. (Unfortunately I don’t have eight years worth of writing, since deleting my first diary, and losing some posts in a hacking that affected the entire site.) I’ve met some of the most amazing people on that website. They know the things about me that no one else knows and see the things that no one else sees. They know the dark underbelly and they support and they’re the best goddamned people that ever happened to me, and writing in front of them is the best thing I ever did.
I still use that site almost every single day. The only reason I ever decided to follow the blog trend as well was because I’m passionate to write. I love to do it and I get urges to completely immerse myself in it. I could never make a living out of it – my creativity is very limited in story telling. But I still want to do it, all the time, every day. It’s like my daughter’s explanation on why she touches herself (whoooole ‘notha post), “It feels good. So I do it.” I simply went public, censored the personal bits (I never use my daughter’s name, although it isn’t difficult to find out, and I discuss my relationships at the bare minimum), and hoped for the best. I don’t need an off the chart stats reader or hundreds of comments or praise or popularity – I just want to fucking write. And I want to reach a couple other kids who want to write and I want to get the occasional criticism or compliment. I want to wring the fodder from everything I do and expel it however I can. It’s therapeutic and cathartic and one thousand things someone else has already said. I took on this outlet to find another side of me, the side that might show if I kept some things to myself, but pulled the cover off of other things. Looking back at my beginning posts, I cringe. I see where I said things I didn’t mean or outright lied because of the truth I was afraid to show. As I flip through the last few months worth of posts, there is very little of that. There’s exaggeration and sugar coating and defense mechanisms like sarcasm and denial, but this is about as honest as it gets with me and I appreciate the hell out of being able to put it somewhere. I can’t finish a story to save my life, but I could ramble on about the mundane events of the last twenty-fours with excitement. I don’t care who sees it or who likes it, as long as no one takes it away.
I wax poetic about my personal diary site and the wonders of writing because it’s all I have. It’s the only thing I’ve ever been remotely good at and the only thing I ever stuck with. Dear lord, if you know me and the amount of things I have started and never finished. If my means to write were taken from me, I’d make new ones. If the new ones failed, I’d find a way because I lack many things, but never the determination to get the words out.
-Pretty Lush
RIP, Katy.
I know what you mean. What would we do without that crappy site?
Posted by: hotpants | Wednesday, February 04, 2009 at 11:42 AM